Today was supposed-to-be our 3rd year anniversary. I used to call him early in the morning to greet and pour out sweet words coming from the depths of my heart. This day could have been one of the best day for us. We actually planned to go to Manila Ocean Park as he promised. We also plan to get a box of pizza as we usually do. Just like before, we’ll go to park and eat ice cream. We’ll sit on the grass and wait up until it gets dark so we can see the stars in the wide open sky. We’ll dance under the tree and sing songs, we’ll laugh with the corny jokes we would tell at each other. We will be as happy as we can be. Well do things planned and unplanned. That is how it was supposed to be, but you left.
We had our own plan but maybe God has a different plan for us.
Behind the loud laughs and forced smiles is a pierced heart. I am deeply moved and hurt remembering what we had has come and gone, on how all that we had ended. I don’t want to fake it and I just want to be honest with myself. It hurts. It hurts so much I wanted to cry, to scream at the top of my lungs because it feels like my ribcage is breaking inwards.
There are times when I wanted to go back, I wanted to keep it, to keep US but maybe it never was, and never really meant to be.
Maybe we are meant to be a lesson to each other
Maybe what we had is not meant to last
Maybe we are destined to meet but not to be together
As I sat down and write, I think of all the things that we could have been and should have been. I can’t help but to cry but it makes me feel at ease somehow. At ease to know that I am free and now living the life that God wants me to live.
Maybe it’s a part where God wants this brokenness to make me more even closer to Him.
His plan was not for us to end up defeated and broken, watching someone we love walk out on us. His plan was not for our friend to take her own life, for us to stand helplessly, or to listen to the same song repeatedly, longing for a different life.
The pain is a product of the world we live in, not our God. And so, to believe that everything happens for a reason is not to say that God is not in control, but to trust that no matter what awful things we experience, He will not leave us to fight through the pain alone. Everything happens for a PURPOSE.
Even in the toughest moments, God still has a plan to know that no matter what we go through, we will still be surrounded by love and hope.
No matter what pain this life throws at us, our God is with us, guiding us, bringing us to our feet again, showing us how to move forward, to continue.
I don’t believe everything happens for a reason in the sense that we can simply say that what’s awful was supposed to happen. But I do believe that everything happens to teach us, to mold us, to shape us, to grow us, to bring us to places that we never thought imaginable, to show us our strength.
And when I think about you and I, I’ve decided to accept where we are, how we have fallen apart. I’ve chosen to let go of you because I know I cannot change what has happened or the way you feel, and honestly, I don’t want to.
I’ve realized that maybe you weren’t meant to be more than a temporary blessing, a painful and necessary lesson for me. And maybe, in the end, that’s okay
Maybe you’ll think that I’ll be stronger and bolder because you left me. You might think it’s all because of you. Maybe you can say you did it for my good, but no, It’s not you. It was God all along.
"You meant harm for me but God meant it for Good" Genesis 50:20
When you left, God made me realize a lot of things through you.
You’ve taught me to lean on my faith, even when I feel defeated.
You taught me to show up for myself, and battle, and believe that I am worthy of the love I give to others.
God taught me to love myself, no matter how broken another person can make me feel.
And no, your leaving was not catastrophic, not like encountering death or watching someone I love struggle with the thoughts running wild in their head, yet painful nonetheless. But maybe if I remember that God is in control, that He has a plan, I can find the confidence to step forward. I can see His light all around me. I can let go of things that hurt, that defeat, that destroy me and walk with my Father, regardless of the circumstance.
Maybe if I realize that losing you was not of God, and not meant to break me, but to build me, I can decide to let you go happily, knowing that where I go next will be. Maybe if I choose to believe that everything is guiding me, shaping me, bringing me closer to who I am and what I deserve, I can let go of you freely. And I can truly free myself.
Thank you for leaving me and choosing someone else.
Most of all, I thank God for taking you away from me cause now I’ve found myself.
I found myself in Christ ♥
All my Love,