Many people think that It was just me, being dramatic, indecisive, unorganized and energetic. Many people didn’t know I’m suffering from this disorder. At first, I was afraid. I was afraid of being called abnormal, cause believe it or not I have heard a lot of people say that in front of my face not knowing my case. I was afraid to be treated differently, to be laughed at. I was too afraid to let people know. I was too insecure, too vague and too difficult to understand.
I was suicidal. I was suicidal not just when I was sad.
Not that type where you just feel like doing it because you have problems.
I was suicidal
when I was happy.
when I’m with lot of people
when I woke up early in the morning
when I’m about to sleep
when I’m mad, irritated
when I felt nothing
I tried to distance myself, hid from the people around me and started closing doors with those people who truly care for me. I was blinded by my thoughts and have focused and set my attention to a boy whom I thought would love me despite of my Mental Illness. At first, He was willing and was able to accept me for being indecisive and somewhat moody. He loved me and I had love Him more than I had love myself.
My, I fell too bad for Him. He was just a person but he became my world and that’s how it ended. I had love him too much and it scares Him. He left and when He did, I knew I was in deep trouble. Suicidal thoughts came running into my mind, not just because he left me, I’ve been suicidal back then and He knew it. I felt really bad cause the one I thought would stay had left me wondering what I did wrong and it made me question my self-worth. I pitied myself. I was too tired to live and I have lost my purpose. Everything about me is a mess. I was miserable. I hated the world, hated everyone and most of all hated myself.
For 3 years, I have struggled with the frustrating and sometimes heartbreaking ups and downs of bipolar disorder.
While I can’t honestly say I’m glad to have a mental disorder, I do feel grateful for the way God has used it to enlarge my view of Him as He replaces my simplistic childhood faith with a solid rock faith. I knew that whatever happens, He is with me.
I will Trust in my God who has promised to complete what I cannot.
He was there when no one else was
He was there when everyone has left
He was there when I was alone
He was there in my suffering
He was there in my pain
He was there in the midst of it
He was there when I was sleepless
He was there when I was restless
He was there when I was suicidal
He was there when I felt useless
He was there when I felt unwanted
He was there when I felt cheated
He was there when I was rejected
He was there when I was betrayed
He was there when I needed help
He was there, He never left
when I was happy, when I was mad
when I cry, when I rejoice
He was and always will be there
So if you are reading this now, I just want to tell you that you are not on your own.
If He was there for me, I know He will also be with you. I know it’s hard.
I know it’s not easy. It’s never easy.
All you have to do is to call unto Him.
if you need to cry it all out to Him, GO
If you are mad, if you want to rant, GO
There is nothing too huge for God that He can’t handle.
There is nothing too small for God that He won’t notice.
He won’t belittle your pain and suffering.
He will call on me, and I will answer him;
I will be with him in trouble,
I will deliver him and honor him.
Listen to that still small voice calling out your name when you feel like giving up.
He is, He was and will always be with you.
He is for you, He will never leave you nor forsake you in your weakness.
I know you are tired. I know you just feel lost, broken and destroyed.
I know there is no great comfort reading this or telling you this and that but one thing is for sure.
God is with you
when you cry, He sees each tear that falls
when you feel like you just want to die.
when you feel like everyone has left.
when you feel that no one understands you
when you feel like everything doesn’t make sense.
He will get you out of that pit. He listens and He hears you when you call.
Man will fail you but God won’t
Find rest in His arms & Let Him save you.
He is the greatest healer and comfort we can have.
All my Love,